Authentic Parent Community Forum

balancing everybody's needs

Franci — Thur, 19 Nov 2009 08:24:03 GMT

Hi, I'm new to this board. My name is Francesca and I have a 28 months old son, Valerio.

I think I agree when Naomi says that when we take out the struggle we are left only with joy with our child (children) so I think I must be doing something wrong.

I don't think I struggle because I want my child to do things in particular, I just think it happens because it is for my situation: I am the sole companion to my child. My husband works all day and because of that, and other reasons, our child is only my business. I think it would be wonderful to have everybody needs met just as a natural consequence of daily life: the kids see how we respect each others needs and learn from us. But I think it's very hard when the most of the job is left to the mom only.

My son is used to me. I'm lucky, I don't work, and my time it's devoted to him only. But now I feel overwhelmed with it. I don't want to push him to do things that don't come naturally to him yet: allow more time for me but it's getting very difficult and I often feel frustrated.

I'll make some examples. At dinner, when he is done, he can get down and play. I'd like to have a little conversation with my DH, but it's not possible because he would say: mom don't talk (and this happens all the times, also if I ask directions to a passerby). I have to leave my dinner because he wants to go in bed with me for milk and stories, although I know he is not going to sleep. I wish I could have a little conversation with my husband. If I turn on the TV (almost never happens) or navigate internet I cannot do it.

And the other big, huge issue is becoming that I wish I could spend more time out of the house while if it's left to him we spend days without getting out and seeing anybody. I wish I had more time to take care of myself, I often feel shabby and the house, I don't care of being very very clean, but I think too much of my time evolves solely around him. And true that the dishes can wait but I do spent time with my son 24 hours a day and I don't have to share my time with anybody else.

I guess my big issue is that I'm not sure how to be always authentic to myself. I should maybe get into "The work" more but it doesn't come natural to me. I find it very difficult.

Thanks for any suggestion you might have.

Forum: General

Hi from Monaco

Franci — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 15:07:54 GMT

Hello, I'm new to this board.

My name is Francesca and I'm Italian, I'm married to Victor and he is Chinese by birth, naturalized American. We have a 28 months old son, Valerio. And we currently living in Monaco. We've been moving around a lot recently.

ROCRO has been really helpful to me but I feel I'm still struggling a lot. Maybe I should post a message on the general forum.

Forum: Introductions

Wasted years

Susannah — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 14:09:01 GMT

I am only recently discovering Naomi Aldort, Alfie Kohn, and other like-minded thinkers. (I am so happy I found them.) I have two boys, ages 6 and 9. I am an advocate for attachment parenting and co-slept, breastfed, etc. Things were pretty calm and loving when they were babies (although my youngest child cried a lot, and was very high energy, and I had many moments I am not proud of).

I have a lot of regrets for how I have treated and disrespected them in the preschool years and beyond. There are so many times when I was mean, disconnected, bossy, rude, etc. I have yelled at them hundreds (probably thousands) of times. I have told them, I don't care what you think, you must do this. Basically I am/was an immature parent with a lot of anxiety. I believed that to have well behaved children I must have expectations that they will behave. Or, I would yell and scream, and demand that they behave in a way I deemed appropriate. We never used timeouts or spanking, although I have grabbed their arms, twisted their ears, yanked them, etc.

For the most part I believe I am a loving, caring parent but I have been very disconnected from my children over the years. I have spent months at a time "addicted" to the internet and have tuned them out. I cannot remember long stretches of my children's lives because I was preoccupied with the internet and my self absorptions.

I'm worried that I have "ruined" my relationship with my sweet boys. Sometimes I feel like it's too late. I have so many regrets for treating them poorly and not being connected.

Forum: General

3y/o won't eat vegetables

Pippa — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 21:38:49 GMT

Hi,
I wonder if anyone can hep me or share some experience. I have a 3y/o son who I bay-led-weaned ie no force feeding mush but he ate finger foods and chose what and how much to eat from the word go. My hope was that he would therefore not be a fussy eater but he really is. He has never eaten very many vegetables but lately he has pretty much given up eating any. This is problematic for me partly because my husband and I want to eat meals composed mostly of veg, but mainly because I am anxious that my son is not getting all the nutrients he needs without vegetables in his diet. He likes best to eat pasta and bread, fruit, dried fruit and nuts and he loves meat and fish - so much so that we have started buying and cooking meat for him having not had it in the house for 15 years. I prefer not to cook different food for him,but that is not so much a problem as my anxiety about him eating a healthy diet. Overall he gets all the food groups but I really feel like he should eat vegetables and that I am being neglegtful if I don't really help him to do that.
Lately I have tried getting him to choose one vegetable from his limited list each night and insisting that he eat that one (a really small portion). That worked for a while but the last 2 nights he hasn't wanted to eat them. I tried saying no dessert but a) he clearly didn't care about dessert! and b) it felt really coercive and uncomfortable. I really want him to make his own choices but there is such a big part of me that feels that no vegetables is the *wrong* choice. He has even got suspicious of soups because he has realised that I put all kinds of veg in there!
Maybe I just need some reassurance - I would love for someone to tell me it is normal at his age and nothing to worry about and i can just let it go! But happy to hear any thoughts or experience around this topic.

Many thanks, Pippa

Forum: Young Children

how to stop my mind from returning to negative thoughts

eggnogbubble — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 12:53:26 GMT

Ok, brief introduction:

I'm a dad of a nine month old, and I also work part time at a sudbury school. I've read Naomi's book and also Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) and having rejected formal schooling (actually I'm still a part-time teacher, separate from the sudbury school) for the more child-centered approach of home/democratic/sudbury schooling, I am fully on board with the ideas of authentic parenting.

I also have a little experience using cognitive therapy to write down negative thoughts and answer them with positive thoughts. I had a lot of confidence issues as a result of several periods of being bullied in my teens, (also my parents, bless them, were pretty conventional so a lot of love was conditional - they were doing their best), but I worked on these issues with moderate success in my twenties and have achieved reasonable levels of confidence and competence - I'm successful in my teaching, and socially.

But, and here's where I need help, I am having a lot of built-up anger issues. Basically once negative thoughts start, I find it very difficult if not impossible to stop them, and it can be several days of very bad moods before the cloud will lift, usually with some outside event that'll break the cycle - a cheerful social event, or a good class, some fun with my baby, or a project that I immerse myself in (painting the house, or drawing a picture, that kind of thing).

The problem, of course, is that I pretty much find myself at the mercy of external influences - I can't find a reliable way to stop the negative thoughts on my own. I find myself ranting about, well, how crap it all is - and I know I should stop and think something happy, but that just makes me angry at myself, which makes things worse.

I probably have rather conditional self-esteem - I find it very difficult to accept my failures, and berate myself for not doing better, all the while knowing I should stop because it's these thoughts that generate my anger....you can see how this is a vicious circle.

What I want to find is some way to stop the internal angry negative monologue. But how?

Is it pride? Am I afraid to stop being angry because that would mean admitting I was wrong to be angry? Am I using anger to avoid confronting feelings of inadequacy? Or feelings of loneliness - I find I don't have anyone to talk about who shares my views (education and the environment are my twin hobby-horses)?

Any suggestions?

Thanks for reading, I'm kind of hoping sharing this problem (even on an anonymous forum) might help move me towards a solution.

Oh, and although I have looked through the website, I haven't actually done The Work - sorry, but I found it a bit evangelistic and gimmicky, no offence to anyone who it has worked for, but I didn't feel it was for me. I am taking as my starting point the S of SALVE (as the description for this subforum states). I understand they are basically the same thing (and basically the same as cognitive therapy: your thoughts create your emotions), I'm personally more comfortable with this approach.

Forum: The Work for Parents

kids punching each other, staff (me!) and parents - in a sudbury school

eggnogbubble — Thur, 22 Oct 2009 12:38:05 GMT

Hi again,

good advice from here last time so I thought I'd post with another question. Related to my last one, really, offering to help seems to work (by and large they dont want my help), but punching is still an issue. My question: how to resolve situations like the following in a non-coercive and non-controlling way:

1. one boy, H(6), keeps punching ME. He does it for fun (more or less) but has not stopped despite me repeatedly emphasising that i dont want him to do that (the reason I give: because it hurts). I'd like to validate but there's no dialogue, he punches me and if i try to talk to him he runs off (knowing that i am going to ask him to stop - apparently he doesnt want to. However I dont feel this is something i need to put up with, also if we are going to have a school without punching (more or less) then I feel the need to be consistent.

2. A quieter boy, R, told me Y had punched him. This is what i am encouraging (as a substitute for punching back) but still leaves me wondering how to help, since me asking Y not to punch is not very well recieved - Y really needs to feel in control, and my asking him not to punch takes his control away.

3. Finally, H (from 1. above) basically told me to F*** Off today when i went to (smiling) say goodbye. I know i probably shouldnt take that personally, but it REALLY isnt what i needed at the end of a rather trying day. Any advice?

thanks for any replies, starting a sudbury school with a bunch of aggressive 6 year old boys is a little fraught so I welcome any help i can get

egg

Forum: Aggression

Diaper Change Struggles at 14mos

mjz — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:31:24 GMT

Hello all,

My DD is just shy of 14 months. She started resisting diaper changes around 10 months old and as she has become more mobile it is increasingly difficult to change her.

After reading ROCROS, I realize that I am overpowering her and not respecting the fact that she would rather play than have her diaper changed. But what is the right thing to do, especially if the diaper is soiled and not just wet? Despite the fact that my child has her own agenda it just isn't right to let her wander around in a poo diaper for as long as she pleases. How can I be respectful of her autonomy without throwing personal hygiene out the window?

This also applies to tooth brushing as well. I try to let it go if she resists but after a few days break down and brush them well as I don't want negative consequences for her dental health.

TIA for any help you can give!

Forum: Young Children

Hello from Olympia, WA

olymama — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 23:04:40 GMT

Hello, my name is Amanda and I have a 2 and 1/2 year old named River. I've read some of Naomi's work and resonate with it. I aspire to give my son the freedom he needs to be authentic to himself. We have the extra challenge of dealing with a life-shortening disease of Cystic Fibrosis. So far we've had no major complications just treatments everyday and medications to help keep him well. He's got an amazing spirit and vitality.

Forum: Introductions

Gettinh through to my husband

Joanne — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 05:08:57 GMT

I have encouraged my dh to read ROCROS without much luck. I have the cd's that Naomi has on her website and he has agreed to listen to one or more, although it hasn't happened yet.

I struggle with standing up for anything that I want for our family, kids or me. I have come along way, but when I talk to him about how important it is to spend time with our children (we have 3 ranging 12, 9, 3) individually or all together I feel it doesn't matter. I am with them most of the time and do my best to do some things that they like as well get housework/meals etc done. I want the kids to be able to choose what they want to do, and sometimes it feels like I am doing almost everything. Maybe I am not feeling support from him in my choices, choices for their development. (We don't have cable, although they can watch movies, and have time on the computer. Time on either is usually about an hour) I see how the kids deal with things on a daily basis. Like when he is on the computer, or on the phone etc. I know he works full time and wants his time to connect with others, and do his stuff. How do I get him to realize how the children see this?

Once I learn that something is not healthy for us, be it food, media, or other then I make a change and my dh is not always up to this. Like not wanting to do Santa, Tooth Fairy etc anymore. Last year the kids were suspicious of Santa, so my dh agreed that it would be okay to disclose our past. My 3yr old doesn't know either way. Thank goodness. I am so glad to be done with the games. I believe my dh sees it as ruining their childhood. Well that may be drastic, but he doesn't see anything wrong with the fairy tales.

Well I am not sure if I am doing more rambling than asking a question, but if anyone has any advice to a dealing with a husband who isn't completely on board I welcome it.

Forum: General

two 6 year old boys fighting in a sudbury school

eggnogbubble — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 07:19:37 GMT

hi,

I work in a brand-new sudbury school (only seven children so far, all 6-9yrs), and we have two 6 year old boys (H and Y) who play together, but it's rough play (goodnatured) and eventually one of them gets hurt. He'll go down and maybe cry about it, and then get up and rage and hit the other one.

Y has lots of aggression and not much trust generally, and so I go to great lengths to show him unconditional love (without creating bias). H is more even-keeled but nevertheless does exactly the same thing - cries, then hits out.

The funny thing is that they'll go head to head at each other for a while, running round and raging, and eventually calm down and they are friends again. Meanwhile I will intervene to stop actual violence, especially if it gets one-sided (rare - they are of equal size, power and aggression - both as bad as each other) or involves weapons (sometimes - they seem to see the wisdom of my restricting that) but other than that I try to validate and let the children find their own way through it.

This, however, is a new approach for me personally (it's a new school, but also I only recently read ROCRO) - some of my previous experience (with teenagers) and reading suggests I should be trying to introduce new problem-solving strategies and ways to cope with these difficult situations, but if I understand Naomi's approach correctly I should just validate their pain and anger ("oooh, that must have hurt, are you angry at H?") and let each child (and the two of them) work it out from there.

This seems to be all i can do anyway - Y and H don't listen to reason while mad, and I have yet to really gain enough of their trust to talk to them about it in quieter moments - they would (I sense) be most likely to reject my interuption in their playing, and I am keen for them not to see me as an interfereing grownup who they have reason to distrust.

The only problem is I validate, then Y will get up and punch H and now they are both mad at each other for the next few hours.

Am I doing the right thing? Anyone any other suggestions? I have a lot more experience with teenagers than with this age group, so welcome any thoughts

thanks

Forum: Aggression

hello from europe

mor — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 21:43:46 GMT

Hello, I am a german speaking girl living in Danmark. I just started to read Naomis book last week and it has left a very deep impression on me. I feel so sad that I didn't know it years ago when I got my children. Now my oldest one is already 10 years old. Although I find it very fascinating I can see that it is difficult for me to change my relationship style, I hope that I can learn this. Thank you for this forum. Mor.

Forum: Introductions

books/reading

jennyl — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:56:57 GMT

Hi,

sorry if this is a daft question but is it okay that my 2.5 year old is going through a phase of wanting to look at books all the time? I'm trying to meet his reading / book demand - its up to two hours at a time (we had a total of 5 hours reading on Monday - over the whole day).

He does lots of other stuff - mostly physical play and moving small items of furniture about - could it be he's fascinated in story, imagination, words? I make sure i am present for 80% of his playing (when he wants it) so don't think its an attention thing, think its more of a fascination with story and scenarios.

do you think he could want more interaction with people (we do interact quite alot, visiting and being visited however?

As i write it feels like it is normal and ma very happy with it of course, but am surprised at interest...

any thoughts?
thanks

jenny

Forum: Young Children

When urgent situations meet resistance

Latristesse — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 05:42:12 GMT

I'm new to the forum and have read all the articles on the site but the book has not arrived so I'm not thoroughly versed in the theory yet. I have been practicing, or attempting to practice, attachment parenting since birth - my 2.5 year old co-sleeps, breastfeeds, and even often goes in the carrier on my back. She is very emotive and has a very strong sense of her own needs. Since I work from home, I have had some babysitting off and on and have not always given my daughter the attention she deserves. I've also had a lot of difficulty responding to what I sometimes used to perceive as her imperious needs. We thought some of her really spirited behavior over the summer was from sleep deprivation because she was skipping her nap so I instituted some routines a la no cry sleep solution, and she seemed happier for a while. Then I made the disastrous decision to potty train her and it has been incredibly stressful. She has been potty trained for about 2 months now but she still has accidents and is often very unhappy around pooping. Week before last, my parents were in town and it was the babysitter's last week - additionally she will be starting preschool (bank street style) next week for 7.5 hours a week. This is all backstory for the drama that unfolded last week and the subject of my question:

My daughter and I were in a store when I suddenly and urgently need to go to the bathroom. The store had no restroom, so I told my daughter that we needed to leave and I would have to carry her home because I had to use the potty. For the half mile walk home, she kicked and screamed until I finally had to set her down for fear of dropping her. I really thought I myself would have an accident but instead she did, and no amount of pleading, bargaining, rational talk, or empathy would get her to allow me to peacefully carry her. Was there something else I could have done to obtain a different outcome for both of us?

Forum: Young Children

Hi from San Francisco Bay Area

ommom — Sat, 19 Sep 2009 15:12:39 GMT

DH found & introduced me to Naomi Aldort's work. We both resonate with it & have done some live phone talks as well. Our DD, now 8.5 months, is our first. We're both late-30s. He's working FT & I'm staying home right now. We're interested in unschooling. I'm looking forward to exploring this forum.

Forum: Introductions

help for a struggling father

eggnogbubble — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 23:38:42 GMT

Hi,

I've come to this forum after reading the Raising Children book. I'm in agreement with the book, and am well acquainted and in agreement with child-centered educational theory (I work part-time in a Sudbury School). However I have been struggling with dealing with my new baby (a boy, now 8 months) and would welcome some suggestions as to how to proceed.

Basically, I find it very difficult to deal with him crying. He is a cheerful and reasonably trouble-free baby (so i gather - I dont have much experience to offer a basis for comparison) but nevertheless once he starts crying I really find it very difficult to cope. I go through the checklist (diaper, milk, etc) and when I get to the end and he is still crying I start to struggle and become very short-tempered, then moody and sullen (partly because I resent being forced into doing something I really find very difficult, and partly because I am angry at myself for not doing better) for the remainder of the day. I understand the point that he is expressing a need, but if I dont know what that need is (and I really dont) then how can I help? I also find it difficult to understand when he is crying because he is sleepy - if he's lying down on a bed in a dark quiet room and he is sleepy, why doesn't he just go to sleep? What good does crying about it do? (typing that it does sound simplistic, I know, but that's how I feel)

I am aware that I am being selfish - I find holding him rather boring after a while (especially in the morning, when I like to get on and do stuff, a need which wandering at random holding the baby does not fulfill) and I begin to resent him demanding (and if i don't have a choice then it feels a lot like a demand) that I dont put him down. I am aware that parents are supposed to put their children's needs before their own, but to be honest I find that rather difficult to do - I feel like my needs (e.g. to do something active and constructive in the morning) are also of some relevance here, and the two needs are in direct opposition.

I don't have any prior experience with babies or toddlers, who I have never really been very interested in, though I am aware that isn't much of an excuse now I have one. The irony though, is that I am well-known as a teacher for being excellent at getting on with older children and teenagers, who I listen to and enjoy getting to know on their own terms. That ability seems to be leaving me high and dry as regards dealing with babies, but waiting until my children are older to get to know them, whilst very tempting, seems neither well-advised nor very practical.

Finally I do also feel that I may be swimming upstream here. I have no particular sexist views of "a women's place is in the home" or anything (my wife works full-time) but finding babycare as difficult as I am, I do wonder if there is some value to the idea that women are generally more inclined to towards babycare, and men to practical task like carpentry or whatever (my wife is having none of the same babycare problems - her main problem is me). I'm not saying there aren't men who are great with babies or great women carpenters, I'm just suggesting that the general tendancy is the other way around. I guess I think I may have landed right down the bottom of the scale of men babycarers. I hope this opinion doesn't offend anyone here, I'm just trying to be honest in addressing my failure to do well in this arena.

Anyway, I'm aware that doing a bad job and getting irritable about it is not a good way to proceed, but although I am trying to be positive about this, I can't say I am succeeding. If anyone has any advice on how to do a better job I'd welcome your comments.

Forum: Infants