BostonMom
Registered: April 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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| April 01, 2008 at 12:06 PM |
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| #1 |
I have a beautiful daughter who seemed to be fully self-expressed until 9th grade! I'm having great difficulty staying in a compassionate mode. She says mean things to me and it's really hard not to be hurt. She is miserable and complaining most of the time, doesn't like her room, her hair, her homework (school is her choice, she was unschooled until now) and most of all me. I end up feeling like a failure most of the time. My eight year old is the opposite. She is sunny and wants to be with me all of the time. My older daughter is not nice to my younger one most of the time. Yikes! I'm usually at a loss, maybe I'll reread the book too, it's been awhile. I'm finding the teenage years to require lots of adjusting and haven't found my groove yet. Hoping to find others in the same boat or better yet on the cruise ship!
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Julie
Registered: Feb 17, 2008
Posts: 110
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| April 01, 2008 at 07:51 PM |
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| #2 |
I've got zero experience parenting teens--only memories of being a teen myself.
I was a high school English teacher for a few years, though. The common thread I saw amongst teens who seemed angry or mean is a sense of powerlessness, lack of respect from others (possibly experienced by your daughter at school?), and disconnection from deep interests. So much of their time was taken up by others imposing demands on them that they barely got time to know themselves, their abilities, and their passions. Crankiness under these conditions is understandable.  Do you think any of your daughter's unhappiness could come from the school setting?
She may feel very comfortable processing her negative feelings with you because you are a safe place to do that. So in a way, her animosity may be a compliment.
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Julie
Registered: Feb 17, 2008
Posts: 110
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| April 01, 2008 at 07:53 PM |
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| #3 |
P.S. to my post:
I always worried more about the students who were compliant people-pleasers than the students who still found ways of expressing their resistance. It could be another good and healthy sign that she is struggling visibly and not simply trying to conform.
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BostonMom
Registered: April 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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| April 01, 2008 at 08:41 PM |
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| #4 |
Thanks. I know you are right about the speaking up part. Yes I think going from unschooling to this very structured school with thousands of kid and lots of homework has made her angry. Unfortunately she does not want to go back to unschooling either because of friends. I'm reading A New Earth right now by Eckhart Tolle and my goal is to practice being present and not getting hooked by her. It's the ultimate challenge, she's a professional at pushing my buttons.
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g_annwn
Registered: Feb 29, 2008
Posts: 213
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| April 02, 2008 at 12:14 AM |
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| #5 |
I was one of those compliant people-pleasers, who got along beautifully with my mom in the teen years (because of repressing my real feelings and needs). I struggle to this day to work past my need for approval from everyone around me. I struggle to find my own authentic self. And I've been struggling to work through (using The Work) my overwelming issues with my mother. So I agree with that, rejoice in her expression! Know that it's not really about you at all - even personal attacks of you. When she attacks you; she's really attacking herself. Not taking it personally helps you to be there for her in her time of pain and confusion.
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BostonMom
Registered: April 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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| April 02, 2008 at 07:09 AM |
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| #6 |
Thank you so much. It's strange even though a part of me knows this just having the validation from others will give me more strength in those trying times. I was very expressively angry toward my mother when I was a teenager too and all I wanted was compassion. I have to get over feeling like a doormat when I don't respond in kind to her because that's what triggers my anger.
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