I just finished Chapter Three on Self-Expression and I wanted to type out my thoughts and understandings of this chapter.  My 4 year old daughter has some sensory issues and frequently melts down over tags in her shirt bothering, can't sleep in clothing, doesn't like hairbrushes on her head, sweat on her back, or loud noises... and reading this chapter has helped ME to stop my panic when her outbursts come out.  Validation has been key in my dealing with her sensitivities.  Here is my recap of this chapter;

In the park, in the grocery store, at a relative's home, your child starts to rage growing louder, all while you feel the judgement of eyes staring at you and your seemingly out-of-control child.  You feel the anger start to boil inside, your face turns red and you begin to feel hot and flushed. 

There are many different views on what to do when a child throws a tantrum... ignore them, distract them, hush and quiet them, punish, etc etc.  Naomi Aldort, in her book "Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves", talks about children's emotional outbursts and challenges us to view these tantrums as self-expressions, neither good or bad, but feelings that just are. The capacity to cry, to laugh and to express feelings and thoughts with words are human.  When we express what is on our mind, we maintain our emotional well-being and gain freedom to move forward. 

Stopping a child from expressing their feelings doesn't stop the feelings inside, only the outward expression.  When a child feels unable or unsafe to express himself fully, his feelings accumulate until he is in a state of distress.  This can lead to physical, behavioral, and developmental manifestations including aggression, depression, tics, compulsions, learning difficulties, sleep disorders and more, according to Aldort.

Aldort recommends that when a child expresses themselves that we stop and listen, validate, and let him be.  When a child is completely heard and validated, hi capacity to recover from ordinary emotional hurts is remarkably quick.  When he has the freedom to let his feelings be known in the ears of loving adults, he can come out of his tears and into play as though nothing happen.  Children can move on easily once the his feelings are expressed because he doesn't have any hidden emotional baggage saved up over the years as adults do. 

When you give attention to a sobbing, raging child, you may feel uncomfortable and may even panic.  Sometimes we think the child is suffering beyond her ability to cope, but that perception is really about our own discomfort.  Rushing to distract a child from her hurt or frustration, rushing to fix the situation, or to minimize or stop her outburst (stop that whining right now or we're going home!) is really a response to our own anxiety, not the child's.  It is because we are inconvienenced and discomforted by her cry, we feel embarrassed, it is about US, not the child.  Distraction is not going to help her become emotionally resilient and capable of facing difficulties and we miss a chance to connect. 

Overall, a child must experience her emotions and hurts if she is to master them. 

People fear painful feelings because they were denied their own expressions and were taught it is something to fear, and as a result most adults are afraid of emotions and take them way too seriously.  In contrast, when a child feels safe to express themselves they are able to accept emtions as part of life and when expressed, they can come through those emotions stronger.

DENIAL- the primary way adults shut down a child's self-expression.  We do these things without thinking;

We say;

"Its okay!  Your're fine!"

"It wasn't that bad."

"What's so upsetting about that?"

"Its not the end of the world"

"You're all right.  Nothing happened"

Children are confused by these commments because those words completely contradict what they are feeling inside.  To a child who feels scared or hurt, something did happen, everything is not okay, and the experience is upsetting.  Instead of denial, validate their feelings!  "Were you scared?"  "Does the scratch hurt?" Or simply give information about the situation; "You wanted to keep swimming."  "The library is closed.  You were really excited to go today."  "I hear you wanted to keep playing."  You aren't rushing to fix things or change the reality of the situation.  By validating you are teaching your child to deal with the situation and be able to come through it, resilient. 

Powerful people are not those whose life flows with no pain, but those who have the strength to move through pain.

If we feel anxious when our child rages over that which is unchangeable, you might rush to give the screaming child anything, change reality, compensate, and even do things against all logic just to stop the tantrum.  In this way you gradually teach the child to use tantrums and tears not for self-healing, but for getting things. 

To avoid panic when your child rages over a situation, use S.A.L.V.E.  S (self-investigation- see your thoughts and actions in your mind. "What is wrong with him? "What am i doing wrong?"  "I am so embarassed."  Once we view ourselves and our feelings, we realize they are about us and not the child.  What we want to do and say is mostly not helpful, only words and actions we may come to regret later.  Once we get our self-talk out of the way, we can A: Give Attention to the child.  L:Listen to their upset. V: Validate their feelings.  E: Empower them by being there for them, showing them that you know they can come through this okay and they will either move on or ask for help finding a solution, if they havne't come up with on their own.  

I think its important that we do not threaten to punish children for their emotional expressions, inducing fear.  Giving a child emotional freedom means loving her when she rages over a broken toy, has a tantrum over what clothes to wear, mourning over the loss of her cat, etc.  She will develop the courage to feel and the capacity to move on without baggage, without stuffing her feelings, without creating emotional baggage.

The key emotion behind rage is helplessness.  We can prevent a child's helplessness by not taking away her power and by protecting her freedom of choice and self-governing.  This means that if she dresses herself, and puts her shirt or shoes on backwards, that we honor her choice of self-governing and not rush to fix it.  We can let her control the power windows in the car, let her buckle herself in, let her put her toast in the toaster, allow her to choose her pajamas, etc etc, basically not controlling every single thing in her life which takes away her power.  Many of our controlling behaviors lead to a child's helplessness and eventually tantrums.   Yet at the same time, the book also talks about avoiding putting too much power in her hands that she is unable to handle.  Usually this is in the form of excess power over others.  A child feels powerful when she makes her own choices and decisions, but that is different from having control over others, which is scary for a child.  If you panic in the face of your child's emotions she will use her power over you, but having such power overwhelms her and leads to more tantrums! 

A child that uses tantrums to get what they want assumes 2 things; first, he can not get what he wants any other way, and 2nd, if he screams loud enough and long enough he will get what he wants or some other compensation.   The result is that he feels helpless due to parental cotnrol on one hand, and overwhelmed by too much power when his tears make his parents panic.  Feelings are always valid- but not always a basis for action.  A child who is upset because he was asked to stop throwing sand on another child, or a child who is disappoingted because he didn't get to be first in line both have valid feelings they need to express, to be listened to and validated.  But, it doesn't mean we encourage a child to throw sand on people or that we fight for his right to be first.  The child may be furious that we wouldn't push the other child out of his way so he could be first.  If he has experienced  a lot of helplessness and lack of freedom to govern his own life, this upset may bring up a tantrum. And if he often feels overwhelmed by his power over you to get what he wants, he is likely to tantrum to elicit our leadership. 

Listening, acknowleding the reality, and validating her intense feelings without changing the reality (not giving them what they want).  She needs to know that there is no need to panic, no need to find a quick compensation (leading to addictive behaviors later on) and she will experience herself as emotionally capable ov having strong feelings in the face of disappointments to come through it all and be stronger for it. 

TO PREVENT TANTRUMS:

1) Let go of control; make it possible for your child to direct her life peacefully and autonomously.

2.) When she is upset about that which is unchangable, validate your child's feelings without giving her emotional expression the power to alter her reality.