RadicalMama
Registered: Aug 23, 2009
Posts: 3
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| #1 |
My daughter is 10, and I just found this site. She was the prime candidate for self-trust and because my values were so different when I was raising her than now, we fought the whole way through most of her young childhood. Now, she is very dependent on outside sources, the way Naomi describes in her articles. So this is the issue that I am having, that I am hoping for some insight on...
After seeing how my daughter has been especially during this summer, I realize just how much I have instilled a sense of distrust of herself in her. I didn't trust her (especially considering who her bio-dad was and the biological impact I was seeing in her), and she does not trust herself. I don't know how to undo this. She is very externally dependent on trusting outside sources in this way, AND she is instilling this in my 2-year-old through her interactions with him. This is the other part. I want to do differently with him (and my newborn who is due any day now, from day 1), but her impact on him is another concern I have. She is VERY resistant to me mediating their interactions (another way that I am showing her that I don't trust her, I know), but inside I am screaming with ways that I don't want him treated or taught, etc. I certainly don't want him internalizing those things and then passing them on to the newborn, perpetuating the cycle. I don't know what to do about this.
All insight is greatly appreciated.
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VonMises
Registered: March 03, 2008
Posts: 65
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| Sept 01, 2009 at 06:54 AM |
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| #2 |
It's a catch 22: if you mediate, you are continuing to show distrust, continuing the cycle with her.
Have you talked with her about this, your approach, your insight and your concerns? My daughters are 5 and 7 and they can spot silly parental lies of convenience and old-style parenting. Just the other day another parent said something like "come over here now, I don't have to give you a reason" and I my 7 year old gave me a look of 'can you believe this lady'.
I would be honest and explain your thoughts, hence showing your trust. It may take her time to begin to trust herself, but it will happen. Kids are resilient and are amazing at adjusting to even different parenting approaches within a household.
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RadicalMama
Registered: Aug 23, 2009
Posts: 3
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| Sept 01, 2009 at 10:28 AM |
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| #3 |
The catch 22 is exactly the problem I forsaw, too....
I have talked with her, as much as she is interested in listening. There have been so many changes in our family over the past year that my daughter is just tired from having to change so much, even if it is for better. I am trying to do how Naomi explains--even when I can't say yes to what she is doing, I can say yes to her feelings. I understand how hard this is for her, and I am trying my hardest to both validate her feelings about it and to make sure she knows that it's not a problem with her that I am trying to make changes, but how I wish I had parented her (so the responsibility lies within me, not on her). Sometimes she just gives up entirely on a conflict, though, and storms away, feeling like she can't "win". Yesterday, she asked me if I could handle something between them, so I am very happy about that. I think that is probably the best for now, so she can observe and we can have less explosions. I was realized last night, too, that one of the problems is that my daughter is very fast and wants quick results (if he is standing in her way of the tv, she wants him to just move), and I am slower (partly because I am thinking so much and trying to figure out those ranges of choices in the middle that might satisy both parties), but she doesn't want to take time for that. My daughter has had some events in her life in the past couple years that have shaken her trust, so this is a deeper issue than just my old parenting style, unfortunately. But it all goes back to self-trust.
Thank you, especially, for reminding me how resilient kids are and can be. I guess, even if my younger 2 are impacted by my oldest's "old school parenting", it WILL all pan out eventually <3
I am still interested in ideas about how to handle this and how to help heal my daughter's past 
Thank you <3
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