eggnogbubble
Registered: Sept 17, 2009
Posts: 15
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| #1 |
Ok, brief introduction:
I'm a dad of a nine month old, and I also work part time at a sudbury school. I've read Naomi's book and also Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn) and having rejected formal schooling (actually I'm still a part-time teacher, separate from the sudbury school) for the more child-centered approach of home/democratic/sudbury schooling, I am fully on board with the ideas of authentic parenting.
I also have a little experience using cognitive therapy to write down negative thoughts and answer them with positive thoughts. I had a lot of confidence issues as a result of several periods of being bullied in my teens, (also my parents, bless them, were pretty conventional so a lot of love was conditional - they were doing their best), but I worked on these issues with moderate success in my twenties and have achieved reasonable levels of confidence and competence - I'm successful in my teaching, and socially.
But, and here's where I need help, I am having a lot of built-up anger issues. Basically once negative thoughts start, I find it very difficult if not impossible to stop them, and it can be several days of very bad moods before the cloud will lift, usually with some outside event that'll break the cycle - a cheerful social event, or a good class, some fun with my baby, or a project that I immerse myself in (painting the house, or drawing a picture, that kind of thing).
The problem, of course, is that I pretty much find myself at the mercy of external influences - I can't find a reliable way to stop the negative thoughts on my own. I find myself ranting about, well, how crap it all is - and I know I should stop and think something happy, but that just makes me angry at myself, which makes things worse.
I probably have rather conditional self-esteem - I find it very difficult to accept my failures, and berate myself for not doing better, all the while knowing I should stop because it's these thoughts that generate my anger....you can see how this is a vicious circle.
What I want to find is some way to stop the internal angry negative monologue. But how?
Is it pride? Am I afraid to stop being angry because that would mean admitting I was wrong to be angry? Am I using anger to avoid confronting feelings of inadequacy? Or feelings of loneliness - I find I don't have anyone to talk about who shares my views (education and the environment are my twin hobby-horses)?
Any suggestions?
Thanks for reading, I'm kind of hoping sharing this problem (even on an anonymous forum) might help move me towards a solution.
Oh, and although I have looked through the website, I haven't actually done The Work - sorry, but I found it a bit evangelistic and gimmicky, no offence to anyone who it has worked for, but I didn't feel it was for me. I am taking as my starting point the S of SALVE (as the description for this subforum states). I understand they are basically the same thing (and basically the same as cognitive therapy: your thoughts create your emotions), I'm personally more comfortable with this approach.
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| | eggnogbubble
Registered: Sept 17, 2009
Posts: 15
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| #2 |
just spent over an hour sketching flow diagrams of the processes that lead to me getting angry, here's a slightly abbreviated version of the cycle:
Something happens. Either I am content with the happening and life continues, or I am discontented, and this can (if my discontent is sufficient) lead to a cycle of angry thoughts about how "that should not have happend". Both breaking the cycle once it has started, and preventing it starting in the first place, involve NOT entering the angry cycle by NOT thinking anything along the lines of "that should not have happened".
But how? Once the thought even occurs then I seem powerless to stop it.
Example: right just now I wanted to stick my papers in a file, but couldnt find my hole punch, and already i started getting angry about how "this shouldnt be happening - i should have put it in its normal place" etc etc. I tried to stop thinking this and just let it go, by thinking "It'll turn up later", but my mind just kept coming back to "no, i need it now" and continuing to get angry.
then i found it, and the problem was solved, my mind shut up.
This is a trivial example, and generally it takes a bit more than a misplaced holepunch to get me going (I've been in a bad mood for a few days now), but the important point is surely this:
Its not the holepunch (or whatever) that's causing my anger, its the thoughts I have about it that cause the anger.
But, and here is the rub: HOW do I stop the thoughts? The theory is that I am voluntarily thinking these thoughts, and 'choosing' to get angry, but let me be quite clear that I am trying VERY HARD not to, but not getting anywhere. It's a bit like if someone tells you "don't think of an elephant" - an elephant is the very first thing you will think of.
So, anyone any advice? How do you manage to stop unhelpful thoughts that lead to anger? I'd very much like to know.
thank you for reading
egg
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| | woodsykris
Registered: Oct 25, 2009
Posts: 2
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| #3 |
Egg - I feel for you. I have had the same anger cycle you describe.
You mentioned that you drew a flow chart (awesomely geeky), so I wonder if you have seen the movie, "What the Bleep Do We Know." In it there is a lot said about how we are addicted to our emotions, including medical animation showing how our thoughts cause a release of chemicals which then bind to our cells causing a whole body reaction. It also shows how repeatedly thinking certain thoughts creates preferred neural connections which are more likely to fire (easy to anger, getting angrier...)
You also said something about feeling wrong for being angry. Feelings are not right or wrong, they are simply energy moving through us. To not feel what comes to you traps it inside you; a denied feeling does not go away. The only way to let go of a feeling is to feel it, openly, without mental dialog, until the energy dissipates. I guess I'm suggesting that when you feel angry, drop the story, put your attention on your body and really feel where the anger is. Is it a tightness in your stomach, pressure in your chest, tension in your face? Try focusing on how the feeling manifests in your physical body.
You say that you are trying "VERY HARD" not to...that's where you're getting stuck. Consider not trying to stop the feelings. Be kind to yourself and say, "I am angry, and that is OK." Take a deep breath and say it again, out loud if you want.
It was not accepted in my house as a child to have negative feelings. I was filled with rage and plagued by it (it sometimes still shows us) as a child and young adult, until someone told me that it was OK to feel those feelings. Actually it was reading a lot of discussions on this yahoo group: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/unschoolingmiracles
Good luck to you.
--woodsykris
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| | eggnogbubble
Registered: Sept 17, 2009
Posts: 15
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| #4 |
thanks very much for your reply, that's very helpful. I am starting to understand that a lot of the problem is gettting angry for getting angry, I will try to let myself feel angry and just focus on how it feels without fighting it, one idea I had when i feel angry is just to stop whatever i am doing (not always possible, but when it is) and try to feel the moment as it is, without thinking anything at all. Feel the sky, feel the breeze, following on your suggestion i guess also feel the anger, try to spend a few moments living NOW rather than in the past or future.
I'll look up that movie and have a look at that group, I'm involved in unschooling so it'll be of interest from a number of angles. thanks for the tips, and thanks again for the reply.
egg
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| | VonMises
Registered: March 03, 2008
Posts: 65
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| #5 |
HOW do I stop the thoughts?
It's not easy. For years, I could let my thoughts do anything from wallow in self pity to rage around for hours. With my kids, I would rant and over time began to realize I was using them to vent my own frustrations. Even with all of my 'enlightenment', I still can fall off the cliff.
Three tips I'll give and they are only that...tips: Step away from the anger and realize it, analyze it to try to understand the source, and (you already mentioned) paint the house, draw a picture. Thoughts get you into it, they can get you out.
I can tell you spotting the bus coming at you gets easier and, hence, getting out of its way. Good luck on your quest.
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| | eggnogbubble
Registered: Sept 17, 2009
Posts: 15
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| #6 |
thanks for the reply, I love the analogy of the bus, I guess that's kind of what it feels like, a bus bearing down on me and I am powerless to stop it.
Been a good week tho' (tho' arguably that's simply because I haven't had any real challenges to deal with), I think all the introspection is helping me by getting me to understand why it happens. That helps in itself, but I think I also need concrete strategies, things I am going to do when I see the bus coming.
My strategies so far:
1. Just stop whatever I am doing and try to feel the moment with no thoughts - helpful to be outside for this one, feel the breeze etc.
2. When I start thinking something that I know is going to start me getting angry, try to just stop thinking the thought. I've found trying to replace the angry thoughts with happy thoughts to be unproductive ("i can't think of any happy thoughts!" - which just makes me angry again) and makes me angrier, so instead just stop thinking.
3. these two strategies (of not thinking) lead logically to meditation, I'm trying to do some gentle yoga before bed anyway, I will try to find some time for some meditation at the end of that, or at some other point in the day.
That's all so far, if anyone has any other suggestions I welcome them.
egg
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| | woodsykris
Registered: Oct 25, 2009
Posts: 2
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| #7 |
Egg -
I was reading an article which had some thoughts about feeling anger. Here is the portion directly related to that, and I am also including the link to the whole interview if you are interested.
" The Sun Interview December 2007 | issue 384 Safransky: You said earlier that the awakened state is not a reprieve from grief or anger or any human experience. So how are negative emotions to be handled? Adyashanti: In my case, grief and anger and other negative emotions don’t happen anywhere nearly as often as they used to. But I’ve found that the truth of who we are can and does use all the emotions. Anger is an energy that can be used in a wise way. Mostly we experience anger out of divisiveness, a battle between two opposing forces. But one can experience anger that comes from wholeness rather than division. Once you’ve experienced it, you know the difference. We don’t need that energy very often, but when it’s needed, it will come." http://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/384/who_hears_this_sound?page=1
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| | eggnogbubble
Registered: Sept 17, 2009
Posts: 15
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| #8 |
thanks, interesting article, and interesting magazine too, I'll come back to that.
Also it points a way towards a need to understand myself in a wider meaning, spiritual if you like (tho' I am a down-to-earth nuts and bolts kind of person). Very interesting and helpful, thanks.
I'll also add a brief update: I succeeded in avoiding the bus last night. We had a halloween party and I took the dog, but in all the excitement the dog went missing (in a neighborhood she doesn't know), and I spent most of an hour wandering the streets and woodland calling her name and blowing her whistle. I knew it was my fault the dog got out (I really should have made sure she was tied up before attending to the party), but I managed to keep from getting angry at myself for it (this was an ongoing process, but I more or less held it at bay.)
Oh, and it turned out the dog was shut in a back room, and was in the house all along. Happy ending. But the main happy ending that relates to this forum is that I managed to keep my head even though the problem was entirely of my own making.
Little pat on the back for me.
Thanks for reading, and thanks for the link
egg
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